ElderWeb

By Jacqueline Marcell, Author of "Elder Rage"

How do I handle my elderly loved one who is a danger on the road but refuses to give up driving?

Getting an obstinate elder to give up driving can be a difficult hurdle to overcome because seniors, like all of us, don't want to give up the freedom of driving. But when you understand that seniors have a four times higher accident rate, and a nine times higher fatal accident rate, families realize the importance of acting sooner than later to prevent a catastrophe. I have lived through this nightmare and can attest to how hard it is to deal with.

My very "challenging" 85-year-old father loved to drive and had never had an accident, but fortunately, he voluntarily gave it up after his foot "slipped" off the brake, onto the gas, taking us on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride in the carport, nearly crashing into my mother's pride and joy Mustang. But then one day, the car keys were mysteriously missing and we were sure that he had snatched them. My parents' live-in caregiver, Ariana, was trapped, unable to move her car from behind his, because we knew that he'd try to drive if he got the chance. I called long-distance and tried to talk some sense into him.

"Daaad, I'm sorry you can't drive anymore. I know how much you love driving, but we can't risk an accident. What if you hurt someone? Wouldn't you feel just awful? Please give Ariana the car keys."

"I don't know where the keys are-I swear to God."

"If you won't give Ariana the keys on your own, you're forcing me to have to get them away from you forcefully. You don't want to go through that do you?" He went into a rambling rage calling me every nasty name he could think of.

I told Ariana to wait until he went to sleep and then she could probably find the keys. She was up all night trying to find them and then called me exasperated when nothing turned up. "Did you check inside his shoes?"

"Jacqueline, I swear to you, I have looked absolutely everywhere and they are not here," she said in total exhaustion.

"They're on his body then, I'm sure of it. Did you check inside little Napoleon's jacket? He kept his hand in there for a reason."

"Yeees, I patted him down and they weren't in his pockets. I can't imagine what he did with them." Hmmm, tricky little dictator.

Later? Ariana called back with a brilliant plan. "Once I finally get the car keys away from him, I'll get a copy made, and then I'll go buy "The Club", and put that on his steering wheel. That way he can keep his darn keys and he still won't be able to go anywhere."

"Wow, I'm ashamed I didn't think of that myself, Ms. Einstein-ela. Maybe try secretly asking Mom where he hid them."

Ariana tried to get Mom to rat on Dad, and for the first time ever Mom was mean to Ariana. "He's a good driver and that's our car and you can't have it, and you can't have my dining-room set either!" (Alll-righty then.)

Ariana called again, "Jacqueline, I found the baby monitor covered with a blanket so I couldn't hear them last night. It appears he's brainwashed her all night because now, she sounds just like him. You won't believe the words coming out of your mother. Here, you try to talk to her."

"Hi, Mom. You know, Dad's eyes aren't good enough to drive anymore. The doctor said he has macular degeneration. You don't want him to accidentally hurt someone do you?"

"No, of course not, honey, but Dad's never had an accident and that's our car and he's a good driver and I can drive too. And that's my Mustang out there and I can still drive her if I want. And that's my dining-room set and nobody's gettin' it!" (Alllll-righty-then again.)

The next morning, Ariana wheeled Mom to the kitchen table and waited for Dad to get up. All of a sudden they heard, "clink, clink, clink" as he shuffled to the table. "Jaaake, what's that clinking noise I hear?"

"I don't hear nothin'." Dad refused to wear his hearing aid, so, he really didn't hear nothin'.

"Jaaaake, lift up your pant leg, and I mean it? on the double!" He swore a blue streak but finally complied, and there, masking-taped to his calf, were the car keys. He refused to hand them over for hours but when Ariana refused to talk to him at all, he finally gave them up.

The next day he called me practically crying, "I know I can still drive. My license is still good for two more years. Why are you doing this to me?"

"Oh, Dad, tell you what-Ariana will take you to the DMV and you can take the eye test. If you pass it you can drive home, no questions asked, okay?" I had Ariana talk to the supervisor at the DMV and if by some fluke Mr. Magoo passed the eye test, they'd make him take the written test too. She had it all lined up and they were ready to walk out the door when suddenly he had a change of heart.

"Awhhh, never mind, you just take us wherever we want to go, Ariana. I don't really feel like driving anymore."

Mom's jaw dropped open as she looked at Ariana-completely flabbergasted. She looked back at Dad with the sternest evil eye, shook her furious finger at him and yelled, "Well? then we don't want to hear another damn word about it, honey, and I mean it now-not another word-TISK!"

Aaaand the moral of the story is: You don't have to be the bad guy if you know what to do. If the situation is critical, you need to act immediately. Have a trusted doctor check their eyes and reflexes. If they shouldn't be driving anymore, confidentially ask the physician for a letter to take to the Department of Motor Vehicles. Call and explain the situation to a supervisor. Tell your loved one that someone must have reported them driving erratically because they have to go to the DMV for a "routine" eye exam. If the DMV ends up taking the license away, you get to be the good guy, saying how sorry you are that this has happened, while assuring them of your continued support. This way, you're not the horrible person who took their last pleasure in life away.

Arrange for alternative transportation (inexpensive transportation specifically for seniors is available in many areas) so they don't feel trapped at home. Take away the car keys but if you fear that they may still try to drive, put "The Club" on the steering wheel. You might consider putting a notch in the keys so they won't work, yet they can keep the keys, which may help give them a feeling of security. Also, explain that if you sell the car, the money that is saved on insurance and maintenance can be used for their transportation needs.

Jacqueline Marcell is a former college professor and television executive who gave up her life for a year to go take care for her elderly parents. She is now an advocate for eldercare awareness and reform and the entertaining author of: Elder Rage or, Take My Father? Please! How To Survive Caring For Aging Parents.