Mary Van Everbroeck
VP, Elder-Service, Inc.
Rather than looking at Holidays as times one was happy in the past, we need to look at holidays as long-lasting, always present memories and experiences, as we do with every day of every year. The meaning we give to holidays is in our heads and hearts, and therefore we are in control of how we perceive and deal with the emotional highs and lows that are symbolically connected with them. If we are alone now in the present for whatever reason, and choose not to be alone, we can make plans to do things with people we enjoy being with, in spite of the fact that they are not necessarily our first choice to spend the holidays with. If on the other hand we enjoy spending time alone, then we should make plans to do something alone that we enjoy. Not planning meaningful activity, during times we know we will feel alone and depressed is self-defeating, and necessarily creates the stage for depression.
I am not suggesting that activity be planned just to fill time. It needs to be meaningful, or else whatever is planned will itself contribute to the wave of depression and lethargy that we ourselves invite. While seniors make it a point, often beyond what is asked for by family members, NOT to INTRUDE in the lives of their children and friends during the holidays, we need to be careful that we don't deprive and rob them of our presence, and of the significant contribution we make to the entire family. Regardless of the extent of either good or strained feelings among members of the entire family, our presence and participation adds history, meaning and life to any and all family gatherings. While autonomy and independence are a legitimate and desirable goal of all people, they are at the same time a hindrance in promoting interdependence, happiness and fulfillment for us and all members of our family.
Now for the tough part: mending and healing relationships that may seem as if they are on the brink of disarray, strained or troubled. The very first thing we have to realize is that whenever we speak or think in terms of "blame" we defeat ourselves. Relationships, in particular family relationships, are very complex, and because of this fact, it is important to think in terms of processes, circumstances and situations rather than blame. We, who have lived a little while, have come to learn that we, and of course everyone else in the world, do not know whether a decision that is made or activated today, will reap benefit or havoc until it has the opportunity to play itself out. If we knew the result of any decision or action in advance, there would be no need to strive for, risk, or hope for the many aspects of our life that we now do, and that, in fact, help to create pleasure and meaning for our life. There also would not be any opportunity for growth, happiness and fulfillment of ourselves or of all those with whom we are in relationship. If we truly understand this we will delete the word and meaning attached to "blame" from our vocabulary, and from our life. Instead of "Blame" we need first to look at ourselves, our intentions, actions, hopes, fears, and disappointments and then take all that we have experienced and learned throughout this process of self understanding to include the joy and the pain, and transfer our new-found understanding of our own processes to that of understanding members of our own family.
There is a reason for everything that we do. You may respond by saying, "Oh you mean that there is an excuse for everything". No, excuse denotes blame. Rather than excuse, we need to think in terms of understanding, and if understanding is not possible, then we need to come to terms with "it", whatever "it" may be, at least for the present, as something that we cannot make sense of. Each of us has problems and complaints with others, as others have with us. There is no getting away from the fact that whatever process of understanding or misunderstanding applies to the way we are towards others, in turn applies to the way in which all people think, react, and interact with others. That is why the key to understanding, interacting well with others, and the ability to enjoy the company and gifts of others is knowing and understanding ourselves, first, foremost and always. How is this accomplished? The most important way in which this occurs is learning to live for the moment, appreciating what we have, and what others have to share with us, now; at this time in their and our lives; rather than wasting time pondering, yearning for, or seething over what happened in the past. It is only by living in the present that we can truly be with and for others, and in turn allow others to be with and for us. It's both as simple and as difficult as this.
Living and experiencing ourselves, others and life in the present dictates that we come to terms with the hurts, and unfilled expectations that are caused by our family. As much as we hurt, are disappointed, and believe that we did not receive what was our "due", be it from family members or others, we need to realize that we, in turn, are perceived by family and others as the source of their pain, disappointment and unfulfilled expectations of us. It's quite a dilemma, isn't it? Not really, not if we remember what was discussed earlier in this article, that we need to think in terms of processes, situations, and circumstances rather than "blame", and that there is never any guarantee that a decision I make right now will be one that is beneficial or harmful. I won't know that until I see the unfolding of such a decision. Being kind, understanding, and patient to oneself is the surest way that we can extend those gifts to others. Acceptance of ourselves, as we are, as we understand and know ourselves to be at this particular moment in time, enables us to accept others in this fashion. For it is this process of accepting ourselves and others that enhances our ability to enjoy holidays, - no more, no less - than every other day of our life.
Elder-Service, Inc.
Geriatric Care Consultants and Home Health Care Services
Serving Bucks and Montgomery Counties in Pennsylvania
mary@elderservice.com
http://www.elderservice.com